Don't Let Go
by insaneantics21
Summary: Rachel has kept it a secret for over a year. When it continues to haunt her she has no choice but to tell someone.


**Warnings: **M for non-graphic rape, non-graphic consensual sex, language, angst.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own the characters, I just play with them.

**Author's Notes: **Written for the glee_angst_meme on LiveJournal. So...expect lots of, y'know, angst.

Also, because it's my story and I'm allowed to do it: Quinn never got pregnant.

* * *

_It hurt. Dear sweet God it fucking __**hurt**__. That's all she knew. She knew there was blood and pain and that was all. When her head cleared she knew more. She woke up next to the jock, Karofsky is what the name on his discarded letter jacket read. Her head throbbed. She'd only had a glass of water, she thought. She'd left it on the kitchen counter for a split second to tie her shoe and…that was probably when he did it. She remembered him standing there when she rose up from knotting the lace and he smiled at her. He was going to be a junior but he was smiling at her. A freshman. They talked. She sipped. Then…then he was on top of her. And there was pain and she tried to scream or hit him but she was so, so tired. She shoved the encounter out of her mind and moved on. She would simply forget about it. She promised herself she'd never think of it again._

Rachel swung her fists and sat bolt upright in her bed sweating profusely, heart racing. _He_ was there. She could feel _him_. She looked around her dark room and only saw her furniture by the glow from the various small light sources. Battery indicator on her laptop. Clock radio. Streetlight just outside the window. She didn't sleep for the rest of the night. She didn't eat the next day. She was stupid enough to let it get to her even though it had been more than a year and thus she didn't deserve the sleep or the food. She'd broken the promise to let it go.

Rachel collapsed during glee practice the next day when she swore she saw _him_ standing outside the choir room door. Quinn was at her side first, cradling her head. Rachel sighed. Quinn was there. Rachel was safe.

"Rachel, sweetie, what's happening?"

"Tired," she mumbled. "So tired."

"I'm taking you home."

Rachel only nodded. She vaguely remembered being hoisted onto Artie's lap and wheeled out of the high school to Quinn's car. She was fairly certain it was Finn who helped Quinn get her inside and downstairs to her bedroom and she was absolutely sure it was Quinn that slipped off her shoes and socks before tucking her into bed.

Rachel's eyes fluttered open and adjusted to the light that was pouring in from her window. She rolled over to look at her clock. It was seven in the morning. She'd been asleep for fifteen hours. She wondered why her alarm didn't go off at six. Saturday wasn't an excuse to be lazy, she still needed to stick to her workout routine. Rachel wandered upstairs to the living room to see her beautiful, precious, wonderful girlfriend sleeping on the couch. She knelt down next to the blonde and ran her fingers through the silky locks.

"Quinn," she whispered.

Rachel smiled when hazel eyes met her own. Quinn immediately sat up and reached out to push Rachel's hair back.

"Are you okay?" Quinn asked. "You scared me yesterday."

Rachel nodded and took the empty place on the couch where Quinn's head and shoulders had been resting. "I didn't sleep well Thursday night," was all she said. Last time she let it slip that she hadn't eaten all day she was lectured for hours on end and forced to eat second helpings at breakfast the next morning. Quinn didn't understand because Quinn didn't know. No one knew. Quinn was only trying to help, Rachel knew that. But Quinn didn't know. And no one could help.

"My Rachel…you know I love you, right?"

Rachel nodded. She really did know.

"Please tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing's wrong," Rachel said. She put on her smile. Her smile that had fooled absolutely everyone for over a year, her dads included. The same smile in all of the photographs. It was all in the eyes, she'd read somewhere. She made sure the smile always went to her eyes and it worked. It always worked.

"I've known you since we were five years old. You're not fine. You haven't been fine for a long time, Rachel. Your smile doesn't fool me, there's something missing from it. What happened to you?"

"Stress. Just stress." She continued smiling. "Would you like breakfast?"

Quinn shook her head. Rachel sighed. She leaned over and kissed the blonde's cheek.

"I love you, too."

Quinn's fingertips brushed against her jaw and pulled her into a kiss. Rachel happily obliged, she loved kissing Quinn. Quinn was gentle and soft and didn't push anything. Rachel suspected the Celibacy Club was behind Quinn's motives of not pushing the boundaries over their six month relationship. If it were anyone else they would've begged her or left her behind by now.

Before she knew what was happening, Quinn's tongue was in her mouth and she was being guided to lie down. Rachel took a deep breath.

_"This is different,"_ she thought. _"This is Quinn. My Quinn. My perfect, beautiful…"_

And then it wasn't. It was _him_. The second that fingertips began roaming underneath her shirt it wasn't Quinn anymore. And she wasn't tired. And she could fight back. And she did.

Rachel shoved with all of her might, sending _him_ away from her. A fist connected with a jaw and there was a scream. A foot hit a body and the voice from the body swore loudly. Then there were more voices and she fought them away as hard as she could but it didn't work. They held on to her. Then…then it was over. Quinn was there. Quinn saved her. Quinn was…bleeding. There was blood coming from her mouth. Did _he_ get to her, too? She looked up to see her dads, one on each side, holding her back. The adrenaline left her body and she collapsed again.

This time, when she stumbled upstairs from her room a few hours later, Quinn was nowhere to be found. She followed the voices into the kitchen and there was a plate waiting for her at the table. She happily accepted the meal before her. It was lunch. A turkey sandwich on rye with extra mayo and spicy brown mustard, her favorite.

"Rachel," her Daddy said with concern as she nibbled away at the sandwich. "Baby girl, what happened this morning?"

Her mind was hazy. She thought for a few minutes, she wasn't sure. She shrugged and took another bite of her sandwich.

"You don't remember?"

Rachel shook her head. Her fathers looked at each other across the table. She didn't know what those looks meant but she didn't like them.

"Do you remember yesterday?"

Rachel thought again. She did remember something. "I got sick at school. Quinn brought me home."

"And that's all?"

Rachel nodded. "I should call her and tell her I'm alright."

"I'm not sure that's a good idea, sweetie," her dad spoke softly. "Quinn was pretty upset when she left this morning."

"Why didn't you wake me?"

"You were awake, Rachel."

Rachel pushed away her sandwich and buried her head in her hands when her dads told her the events of the morning. It all came flooding back as they talked. She'd hit Quinn. **Hard**. And Quinn was scared because she'd done something wrong. But what Rachel couldn't figure out was why _he_ had been there and no one mentioned it. Why hadn't her dads mentioned _him_? Their story was so much different than the one she wanted to tell but couldn't. Because then they would know. And they didn't need to.

The entire day was filled with listening to Quinn's voicemail over and over. Begging for Quinn to call her back or answer her texts. She told her over and over that it wasn't her fault. She needed Quinn more than ever. Finally, it was more than she could take. When the sun began to fall below the horizon she bundled up, it was cold for March, and started walking. She walked until she reached the familiar front door of the Fabray house and she knocked. An older version of Quinn answered the door and blinked a few times.

"Rachel, we weren't expecting you."

"I need Quinn."

"She…she's up in her room. How are you feeling?"

"I just need Quinn," she mumbled.

The blonde woman nodded and let Rachel in. She ascended the grand staircase up to the bedroom door that bore a red "Q". She waited a few moments, trying to figure out whether to knock or go in like she usually did. She raised her hand and knocked, wincing at the pain it caused because of her bruised knuckles. She heard the sweet voice she so needed to hear call from the other side for her to come in.

Rachel turned the doorknob and stepped into the room. She loved Quinn's room. The warm red on the walls was comforting. Quinn looked up from her position on the four-poster bed and her eyes widened. Quinn's lip was split and swollen. Rachel absentmindedly held her right hand in her left and touched the soreness. A patch of black and blue was peeking out the top of Quinn's yellow tank top.

"Are you okay?" Rachel asked softly. Quinn stood and came closer to her.

"What did I do, Rachel? What did I do for you to…" Quinn's fingers touched the bruise on her chest. "I…I'm so sorry, whatever I did…please. I'm so sorry." Quinn's fingers were threaded through her hair now and her lips were on Rachel's forehead. And that was it. She couldn't pretend anymore. It happened. It happened and it hurt and it broke her and she would never, ever be whole again. But maybe…just maybe…maybe if Quinn knew then it she could almost be whole again. Almost. Quinn wasn't at fault and if Quinn didn't know then she would blame herself and it _wasn't Quinn_.

And before she could think, before she could prepare a speech and carefully craft what she was going to tell her, she did it. She muttered the words she never thought she would because up until then, it never happened.

"I was raped."

Quinn slowly dropped away from pressing kisses to Rachel's forehead. Hazel eyes met chocolate brown. Rachel's burned and then she let go. Over a year and a half of tears spilled onto Quinn's shoulder as Rachel sobbed. She fell to her knees, Quinn followed. She told her everything. The untied shoelace, the water, the smile, the pain, the blood, the jacket, the nightmares.

Quinn cried, too. She cried and held onto Rachel.

"Rachel…oh God, Rachel. I love you…I love you. It'll be okay. I promise you it'll be okay." Quinn repeated it over and over.

Rachel didn't know how long she cried. She just knew that Quinn never let go. She knew when she was finished that her entire body hurt from shaking and sobbing and Quinn was leading her to the bathroom. There was a cool cloth cleaning her face and Quinn was sporadically kissing her forehead, her cheeks, her temple, her lips. She was there and she was vowing that she would always be there and she loved Rachel and Rachel loved her and even though Rachel knew that and had known that for a long time…it made the pain ease a little. Because Quinn knew and Quinn was still there.

Quinn took her home and she told her dads. She cried and they cried and held on to her and promised they would do anything. Quinn held Rachel until she fell asleep.

"I love you, Quinn," she murmured before succumbing to the sleep she so desperately needed. Quinn was there in the morning. Her body was warm and small. It was perfect. Rachel snuggled into her, needing her warmth more than ever. Quinn was there. All the time.

A month later Rachel told her to stay away because she didn't deserve for the blonde to love her because she wasn't fixed yet. Quinn showed up at her doorstep with a dozen pink roses and the newly released platinum edition of _Funny Girl_ on DVD. Rachel called Quinn at three in the morning because of a nightmare. Quinn was at Rachel's door in six minutes and thirty-four seconds. Rachel's nightmares became fewer and farther in between. Quinn urged her to tell Santana so she would have a broader support system. Rachel agreed. Karofsky didn't walk correctly for three months. His locker spontaneously burst into flames. Santana only shrugged when she was interrogated by Principal Figgins.

On their one year anniversary Quinn's eyes kept locked with Rachel's as Rachel guided Quinn's hands over her body. They took their time. Quinn stayed Quinn and her hands were soft and delicate. Her fingers were small and moved slowly and there was no pain. Rachel clung desperately to her when the high subsided.

"What do you need?" Quinn asked breathlessly. Her arms wrapped around Rachel's bare back and Rachel's around hers.

"You. Don't let go."

"Never."


End file.
